Wednesday, 22 July 2020


Uss Rab Nu Manauna Okha Nahi,

Do Nafl Parho Rab Mann Jaanda;

Je Yaar Kisse Da Russ Jaway,

Nach Nach Ke Manauna Penda Aye!


Throughout my life, I have heard these words of poetry from one mouth or another. I thought I understood its meaning well; it means that it is easy to appease the god but it's far more difficult to appease a person you love. But it turns out that all along it meant that if God is a rab to you, can easily please him by offering prayers but if you think of God as a beloved than it is not your prayers but the love that dances in your feet that will appease him.

Although my heart aches but I feel as if all the words are turning into their essence; as if all the material things are turning into energy . 6 years back, I was on a different path in my quest for answers; today it seems as if all those words I have learnt are finally shaping into their real forms; I am finally finding out what they mean.
I remember I had an elderly patient in the CCU who used to call me very lovingly; look at me with his knowing eyes and said these words repeatedly 
khuda tujhai kisi tofaan sai ashna kardai .
He said it was his prayer for me. At that time I knew what he meant but I  just used to reply with a cheeky smile because I knew that if I would have said what I wanted to ;we both would have cried our hearts out and would have developed a unique bond difficult to let go. 
khuda ap k tofaan ko kinara de de 
This my prayer for you
.
rest in peace   

not over thinking

I have started listening to a podcast by Ali Abdaal and his brother Taimur Abdaal, it is called "not overthinking"and have been pretty overthinking these days. I like the podcasts as they remind me of the conversations I used to have with my brothers. Here I am going to post the emails I send them in response to the podcasts, to keep a record.


podcast: why do we like to be correct?

21/07/2020 2:39 AM

Hi ,
I came across your podcasts and liked listening to them. The urge to be right is an instinct for survival. At first it is to impress, to standout, to gain attention; and is inherent in all of us. Later , we realize what's important is not all the words and numbers we know, but the essence that lies behind those words.
When i was young, I wanted to impress people as i thought it will make me more likeable .Later, i wanted to excel in everything I did; to be cool to all those around me. But now,there are a very few people i want to be cool to and with them, coolness is not cashed in numbers or words;but in the warmth of the heart.

These are my thoughts after listening to the podcast.

P.S. working in the ER is cool.

Regards.







thoughts prompted by the podcast: why are we scared to put our selves out their?
23/07/20
12:06 AM
Hi,

Apart from the fact that my father will kick me out of the house and my dear family will disown me; putting my self out there might be a  fun new experience.
So while listening to the podcast I asked myself; if ,by any chance ,I am not threatened by an impending family crisis, will I chose to put myself out there? .I guess, the answer will be the extension of my current choices ,as at the moment although I am free to put my self out there on the social media , I chose not to and it’s a well thought about decision .
When I was young ,young enough not to have appeared in my secondary school exams, my family knew me as happy go lucky ,naughty kind of a child but as soon as I started scoring high in major exams of  my life my whole identity became ” the one who was the good student” .”The good student”, masked the playful girl , the girl who sings well ,plays well, draws well and was once just fun to hang around with. Although I was never pressured ,to study, by my parents; I knew they had expectations. The pressure to do well again started building up in my small head ,that was so full of all good things, to realize what I was doing to myself . The situation further deteriorated , when I got in to med school ,from that day, I was no longer Bia but  “ Dr.Bia”. This time it was not just my extended family but immediate family  who treated me as if I had overnight transformed a prestigious sophisticated person and the babbling “ 24 hour radio “ disappeared . It took a  whole lot of ruining my reputation thorough med school for my parents to realize that I was the same reckless, timid person but wearing a white coat .Now, the situation has improved  atleast with the people I love; to an extent that they  don’t even take my medical advise seriously, ah the dilemma! but for rest of the world , I am still a doctor .So I have learned to keep the company of children, in family events, although the aunties try their best to lure me into their discussions of  rising blood pressures and gynecological health. I even  sometimes get the weird need of saying this jargon of words with a straight face to people who treat me differently .And they think  that I am saying something from such a high level of intellect that it is beyond their mental capability to understand my words;
And the golden words are
“I proved that the hypercube of suitable dimension can be edge decomposed by the copies of an arbitrary tree” and the irony is that these are not even my own words.

A profession has become my identity; it has taken a lot of effort to redefine and rediscover my identity again . I would never want a part of my life that I chose to show on the camera, become my whole existence or in any way put me under the thumb. Thus , I guess I am not ready to put my self out there unless it is for the Nobel prize.

Kudos .

Thursday, 26 September 2019

The story of a night


As the coolness of the night kissed her primrose cheeks,a subtle wave of warmth caressed her
spine and dispersed to the core.It was cold; so cold, that she could almost feel her nose slowly
turning scarlet.Sniffing into the silent coolness,she buried her hands deeper into the pockets of
her pink hoodie,devouring the warmth of fleece with every snuggling cuddle.With a heavy
sigh,she rolled her eyes as an amber strand of her hair escaped the hoodie, caging it, and
danced along with the night's air;as if declaring a rebellion against the owner.But the girl with
the red nose pronounced her resistance as she tucked it back behind her ear.She couldn't
rebel ,not at least against the ones she loved.After a month of roaming around the streets,she
had denied herself her right to fly,she was content to be imprisoned in the gaol, she called
home. The smell of the green grass tickled her nose as she sat down onto the ground,thinking
whether she would be welcomed back,her aching back resting against the lamppost flickering
under the lunatic silvery moonlight.
That very lunatic silvery moonlight , was now caught in the act of kissing the dark night and
giggled across the ocean of a far, far away land. Seeing its appeal, the waves that once tiptoed
across the ocean’s bed rose into soaring exquisite tides to present an elegant dance.The heavy
poignant clouds that once played hide and seek with the blowing wind hurried to cover the shy
milky white orb.As the moon hid behind the gray moist clouds, the silvern reflection in his black
eyes dimmed, synchronously this tiny boat that had swayed along the rhythm of the dancing
water a moment ago,calmed down.Smiling, he looked at his little sister who had nuzzled to
slumber;perhaps that was what he thought;while he told her the story of the giant moon and its
many children who had turned into stars as they had tried touching its face.While the siblings
sat staring at the moon ,the father of the household,the captain in command of this tiny boat sat
behind them rowing;mourning over the the death of his moon.The one that he had left back
home,whom he had himself buried deep in the solitary recesses of dust;his wife,his only
companion,the person who had not thought twice before putting her life on line for their
children.If only he had been there,he could have stopped the molestation of the pure soul that
he had cherished through 17 years ,from those deceitful scoundrels ,who had encroached upon
their tiny world in the name of peace of a greater,a larger world.The land where they had dreamt
of a bright tomorrow had been consumed by the flames which were even brighter,yet
fiercer.Although nothing was left behind ,everything was left behind; his hopes, his dreams, his
warmth. If it wouldn't have been for his children he would never had run away like a coward,but
he had to be a coward.For their sake.In the chilly night of isolation and misery, his eyes were
blurred with tears, as his 12 year old child, unaware of the fact that the bullet in his father's body
was killing him slowly ,sang the lullaby his mother had sung to the baby girl in his arms until just
yesterday.
A similar tear seeped through the corner of her eye ,as she looked at her mother with heavyheart.While the teary eyed sat on her bedroom floor, in front of the queen sized bed; the white
thick fur rug that almost covered the whole floor tickled her toes .The mother who was still
standing in the doorway found her gaze linger on the white bridal dress spread on the
bed.Tiny glass trinkets that adorned the waist, snaking all the way to the flowers on the
shoulders ,had made the dress a dazzling work of art .While the guests slept soundly
downstairs, she had tiptoed to tiniest room in the house that had through the years brightened
their hearts with its blissfully naughty Qi.As she crossed the threshold,she had seen that tear
in her daughter's eye.Slowly,she stepped forward and enveloped the bride to be in her
arms.Kissing her mother on the forehead ,she snuggled more into her bosom.It was
magical;the smell,the softness,the warmth of her mother's embrace crawled into her body as
she felt her heartbeat against her own.While the fears and doubts for the future slowly washed
away with warmth of love, as stealthily as the tears had formed a few moments ago, dancing
giggles rang through the room,as the daughter caught her four year old sibling sneaking into
the room and devouring the leftover chocolates from the bridal shower earlier that
day.Thus,the room on the top floor spread its radiance over the quiet night,unaware of the 12
year old boy sailing through the oceans only to become a part of this happy family.
While the room on top floor spread its radiance through the window facing the alley way,the
teenager sank to the ground ,his heart so cold that it remained arctic despite the frequent
caresses of his warm blood.The chilling breeze that blew around ,exacerbating .With each
erupting bout of laughter from the window above, his aims dissolved to nothing.Yet with every
pang of hunger in his empty stomach that nothing rose and soared high.His jet black
clothes,the p-cap on his head and the mask on his face was unable to hide his intentions to any
passerby .Today he had to do something to put out this fire of nothingness in his stomach
forever ,or for perhaps a long time.As he was a first timer he was worried about his plans failure
,but from a young age he had seen so many crime movies that he thought it would be if not a
piece of cake,a doable task.As he revised his blueprint to theft in his mind .He felt someone
tapping his shoulder.It was a girl ,a girl wearing a pink hoodie.At first he was baffled at her
courage,then gaining his composure back he gave her a questioning look."Well you know it's
that girls wedding tomorrow, stealing from them may fill the emptiness in your stomach,but will
leave a very hollow hole in your heart."Having said that,she tucked her flying amber hair into
her hoodie and walked away.When the meaning of her words finally hit him,it hit him hard.
Dumbfounded he couldn't help but just stare at her retreating back that was going farther and
farther with every step that she took away.
Every step she took towards the man,the man retreated back.The quarter liter milk package that
he had managed to buy from the convenience store after a whole day of begging on the streets
was tightly clutched in his fist.As the naive looking monstrous fluff ball meowed once more
snuggling into the warmth of his worn out trousers,he gave up.Ignoring the snorting of his
stomach he stripped the pack of milk in such a way that it formed a cup and placed it in front of
the white little kitten.While the naive one sipped through to the last drop ,the king at heart picked
it up and softly pulled her to his stinky chest ,hiding her whiteness in the darkness of hisjacket.Nearby, the heart of the tiny flower that was still enclosed in the sepals clasp melted as
he saw the beggar feed the little kitten.While still being inside the belly of the green sepals he
had heard many stories of love,sacrifice and sincerity, but today through this tiny window in the
sepals arms he had seen the most beautiful one. It was one of the last of the cold winter nights
,soon, the pioneers of life would be sprouting out and then he could sing with the spring's
breeze.His muse for the upcoming bright warm future
faded away as the nightingale that sat looking at the flowers antics,pecked it in the bud ,
admonishing him for staying awake till such a late hour.Tomorrow, was an important day for
him; it was the day when he would be blooming into a beautiful white flower.Reassuring that the
bud had closed his eyes, the nightingale soared in the sky ,a melancholic cry echoed through
the coldness,as it was the bird that knew that the flower that was white was going to be placed
on the grave of the baby girl that died while crossing the cold vast ocean under the mourning
moon covered in a gray poignant shroud while listening to the story of the moon and its many
children.
Every night has a different story to tell in different perspectives, places,time frames ,presents
and the futures;some complete and others left to remain incomplete forever.While we may be
ignorant of many,but each trivial one is significant on its own.For every night may dissolve into
nothingness and the future might glare at us with gloomy eyes,we shouldn't forget to rub off the
gloom from our eyes with every bright morning.

Aching hearts: the sunsets




The gaity of the orange swallowed the mellowness of the yellow , with a satisfying slurp and the sky turned a deeper shade of tangerine .The birds that were late on their journey back home, pushed their wings against the gravity of their tired bodies, soaring higher on the dying sky.Some,which had been left behind by the flock ,screeched through the green gardens of a small suburb in the outskirts of the city ,anxious to find their fellows .While their voices echoed through the walls of the atmosphere, there sat a girl near by, whose heart screeched even more; the tall, green trees in the garden; had hidden her from any passerbye's view ,invain; for there was no one to be seen within a few kilometers of the grounds.So the girl sat all alone with her head on her knees ,her eyes shut tightly as if she was afraid of opening them ,her forehead creased with lines tense with emotions incomprehensible .While the night enveloped the light of yet another day ,she was enveloped in the torment of her aching heart .Slowly she opened her eyes as the day closed its own .Her eyes showed nothing of her agony not even a glimpse of what her heart withheld ; for it was nothing but a strange yearning her heart contained ,a desire so strong that it had swallowed her entire being ,so she rubbed her heels aggressively against the cold metal bench and rocked her self back and forth trying to keep up pace with the upheavel her heart breathed .Still, she was unable to keep up with her racing heart, for it ached , roared ,ran through alley ways in scorching suns;for it bled ; was wounded, tired , hopeless and helpless; but still yearned for something or perhaps someone she couldnot put a face or even a name to .For the subject of her yearning heart was unknown she cried with dry dead eyes ; she screeched voiceless till her throat was all raw and scarred ;for her heart yearned ;for her heart ached for something that was in reality 'nothing'.

p.s. I have started writing after a long hiatus ,i hope i improve each day. 

.fighting.

The off-white keyboard

this blog has been created for the sole purpose of catharsis ; so breathe in ;breathe out ; let it go .